The Truly Important Things

All my life I have been of the mind that the truly important things of life are those that are too easily overlooked by most. The “business” of life, so I hear, supposedly gets in the way of making time for those seemingly “little” things. Things that mean so much more than any amount of money you can bank. Things that are so much more precious and enriching than any degree, status, position… Literally more precious and priceless than anything else in this world. In this life. The adage, “make the most of every moment” is a mere cliche in our society. It’s just something most folks say, while deluded with the idea that they’re actually doing it, yet still go about their busy, burdensome lives. Altogether setting aside the truly important, irreplaceable things of life.

Time

Many will agree that time is precious and may even complain there “isn’t enough” time in our days. The problem, though, is not that there is not enough time. Others may even be silly enough to convince themselves that they “have all the time in the world”, while they squander what time they have. Which, I never understood that one. In reality though, the problem is in what we do with our time. How we prioritize what time we have.

Often, I grapple with wasting time. I am really good at “wasting” an entire day researching something that interests me, although not of any tangible substance to anyone else. Stuff like that does get me distracted. However much I may procrastinate doing some important things, such as projects that I started months ago, books I never finished reading, even vacuuming the living room upon occasion, still I have priorities. Those priorities are carved deep in my very being. For example: Whenever Jamie came home from work or where ever he was, I met him at the door. No matter what I was doing, I stopped to greet and embrace my husband. The first few moments were not even to ask how his day went, or whatnot. Just simply embrace him and enjoy his arms wrapped around me. Yeah, kisses too. Of course! It was a simple way to let him know how deeply he is appreciated and dearly he was missed. Just a bit of special time together.

That’s not all, but it is a simple example of what I mean by prioritize. The time we have on this earth together, each moment, ought to be cherished as irreplacebly precious. Literally every moment. We’ll never get even a second of it back and we never know when it is the last second we have with that loved one.

Always been silly

This belief has always been something I have held. It’s not new just because Jamie is gone now. In fact, as terrible as it is to not have him with me right now, I can confidently say I am grateful. Though we did not do lots of exciting things or go lots of fancy places, we had lots of fabulous times together. Even after seven years married, I would lay in bed watching him sleep, amazed that I was his wife. As I washed dishes at the kitchen sink, I could feel him staring at me. I’d turn to look and catch him with teary eyes and a smile. Oh, my! That smile. When we were just getting to know each other, over eight years ago, he’d expressed how baffled he was that I preferred being single. He said, “Everything is better together.” I did finally admit to him he was right. We were such a nice fit, especially when it came to this sort of stuff.

There are so many things that was so different about Jamie, all of which centered on the importance of the seemingly little things. Jamie was a dreamer. Yet all his life he was surrounded by people who didn’t really relate or appreciate his heart for life and love. I’ll never forget the first time I met his dear mother. She told me she was “still waiting for him to grow up.” We giggled about it then, but when coupled with the time she and some of his other family told him he should just “give up” on marriage, it made me wonder how serious she was. All these years and they did not truly know him.

Jamie had more “chick flicks” than most women I knew! Romance movies where the charming, but awkward guy always gets the girl of his dreams. Others, where the mysterious man swoops into a lady’s life and not only saves the day, but wins her heart as well. And every time he watched those movies, he needed a tissue. At least one. Every time! It was so cute that, although those were not really my type of movies, I cherish them after watching with him. That time together is priceless.

On a side note, he really liked more “manly” movies, too. Just to keep the record straight 😉

Sure, his silliness and sappy appeal did naw at my nerves more than twice during our marriage. At the same time, though, I am just as silly and sappy. So, who am I to get irritated? !! The point here is that whether we were engaging in some intellectual debate (my preference, and a rarity) or driving together for my work or just sitting and gazing at the sunset, we were together. We spent the time we had, together. Not merely existing in the same vicinity, but truly together.

To the last breath

When he became ill enough that he could not work, it was devastating to him. He worked his entire life, even while in high school, in between playing sports. All through college, while juggling a young family as well. So, at first he did not know what to do with himself. And then to have me do so much for him, daily, made him even more uncomfortable. He was the “doer” for all, in his world. Periodically, he would ask me why I was doing “all this”, or tell me I didn’t have to. I’d just kiss him and repeat the vow we made, “For better or worse.” It was unsettling to me how uncomfortable that made him. But, me being me, it just made me do all the more. To pour over him with that love and care he needed helped me just as much as it did him. After all, isn’t that how our Lord designed it? Even while ill, he visited his parents at least once or twice a week. He still did things for his siblings. Always going to them, of course. Watching him struggle with being home bound and catered to, cared for as I did, was almost worse than watching his health struggle.

It is a gut-wrenching, sad thing to realize this man had no idea what it was to be truly, relentlessly loved all the years before we met. This man, who at the drop of a hat would go and do so much for those he loved. Even some folks he didn’t really know. Yet, did not experience the same in return. So when it got to the point he could no longer go to them, he did not see them. All he wanted was a bit of time to share with them.

When Jamie and I were dating, back in 2016, he’d stare at me often in wonder. Sometimes he would even poke or pinch me. Then he’d explain that he couldn’t believe I was real. That “this”, us together, was real. Through these years, when I caught him staring at me with tears, he told me similar things. We’d giggle about how, even after eight years together, it was still so hard to believe. Still, every kiss felt like the very first.

Our loving Father is an awesome and mighty Creator. And, mighty creative, He is! He blessed both of us with “the desires of our hearts” (Psalm 37:4) bringing us together. This not to say we had it all down pat and did things rightly all the time. Oh my! Far from it. But each time we did mess up, whether wilfully or unwittingly, we repented, forgave each other and moved forward. Together.

Those last 2 1/2 weeks of his life here on Earth was, frankly, hell. He was bedridden, which he hated. He was in pain and each day we did not know what time we had left. Some of the time he appeared to be getting better. Other times, I did not know if he would make it through the night. But even worse than that, if you can imagine, were the months prior. Jamie was diagnosed in March 2024. After the “botched” void trial in May he really went downhill for a bit. Then he was hospitalized in early June for about 18 days. Every step of the way, even though he had little strength more often than not, he visited his parents, his brother, etc. Always going to them. When it got to the point he could not, his brother came over once (I think that was in late Sept.). Once. One time.

Most notably between June and early October, Jamie remained positive. Shortly into October, however, he began to decline overall. Some could say it was because the tumor bled a lot and his hemoglobin went lower. Sure, maybe. Then he stopped eating well. I recall one time in particular, I was trying to offer him lunch for the fifteenth time and he just said, “What’s the point?” Several times over those months, he talked about how great it would be to have his family, any one or all, over for pizza or something. Maybe play a few rounds of Uno. Then he would revert to making excuses for them. How “busy” they are, etc.

Busy? Bullshit. More like screwed up priorities. He did finally acknowledge this shortly before he was bedridden. At that point, though, it was too late. He made me promise that no one would see him like that. Of course I honored his request. About a week later, a cop knocked on our door for a “welfare check.” Jamie was pissed, to say the least, because I let him in just so there was a record of the officer talking with him. Later I found out that there were two calls to check on Jamie. One, supposedly an uncle.

For those who are not technically a part of this, forgive me. But, WTF? No one. NO ONE called me. When they did send a message to his phone he asked me to respond, and that was only after he went on bed rest. Months before I told them all that they were welcome to pop by, even at the last minute, any time. I even sent texts to his sister asking her to bring over photo albums and reminisce with her brother. She said she would, but months waned by and she never did. I’d like to tell her again how much he would have loved that time with her and what good it would have done for him. At the point he was bedridden, I wanted so bad to tell them, “Hey, assholes! You had over four freaking months to spend with your brother and help encourage him. When he sat around here wanting, wondering when you weren’t “too busy” for him. FOUR F-ing MONTHS.” I didn’t. I just responded back with what Jamie wanted me to say.

I am still overwhelmed with gratitude to our Lord and Savior that Jamie and I prioritized our time together. Literally to his last breath. I spent his last few days snuggled up with him, showing him, what he called “happy pictures”, chatting and praying or simply cuddling, all the way to his very last breath. As difficult as that still is, at the same time it was absolutely beautiful.

"Be angry and do not sin...." Ephesians 4:26-27

Great article here: Be Angry, Do Not Sin

Not done being angry

As you may well can see, I am not fully done with being angry about this. The fine folks he worked with and his best friend from Florida kept in more constant contact, with substance, than any others. But then his so-called family called authorities when he wouldn’t personally respond to a freaking text? To be fully transparent, and for a stark comparison here, I need to say my son was one of those that went to the police. After trying, unsuccessfully, to see Jamie one morning my son left upset. Understandable. But like I told him, Jamie did not want to be seen like that, and he had over four months to spend time with him prior to. So, my son went to PD and a few hours later that cop knocked on our door. The cop heard straight from Jamie that he did not want any intervention. He did not want those doctors or their poisons. He said he had all he needed right here. Thankfully, the cop made a clear record. So, when his family called, they were informed accordingly.

The difference with my son is that he can admit when he’s wrong and change his ways. His dad died in Puerto Rico a bit more than a year prior, and he was still hurting from that. Jamie, in Felip’s words, “was more a dad to” him than his own father. He loved my husband and was terrified he was losing him too. But after Felip was through ranting in a drunken stupor at me in my driveway a couple days after Jamie left, he took a day or two to cool off. Sober up. He came back, repentant, and of course I forgave him. He realized that he could have–and should have–been around more in the months prior. Although it still hurts and there is no getting back that time, we are healing through it together.

Don’t get me wrong, I do love Jamie’s family. Though they made no effort with me all these years, that we could get to know one another, I do love them. Primarily, due to the love of the Lord within me, I cannot help but love them. Still more, each are unique, adorable characters that were beyond priceless to my beloved. That’s what makes their indifference hurt so bad. Even when in pain or dog ass tired, he would go and do for them. For many years. And only one time, months later, one of them comes and spends some time with him. (Mainly to check on him and take photos to send to the others.) To watch my husband suffer, longing to spend time with those he loved dearly, yet making excuses for them… It’s just…just…beyond words.

How can anyone be “too busy” for a guy like Jamie? More than that, especially when that guy is your brother? I could go on, but purely out of respect, I shall rest it here for now.

Nope. I’m not done being angry, and as long as I do not let it brew into bitterness, it’s just fine being angry.

How you Love

God’s infallible Word teaches us that we “know a tree by its fruit.” (Matthew 7:15-20) Jesus also instructed us, “By this all people will know you are My disciples, that you have love for one another.” (John 13:35)

Do you know Jesus? The One who gave Himself up for a sacrifice so that you would not suffer the wrath of God? Remember? The One that paid that price, because there is no way we ever could? Do you truly know Him? Or just know of Him? Do you know the difference? …or are you too “busy”? Knowing Him is the only thing that enabled Jamie and I to love like this. I pray you repent and begin to do the same.